What's the 'Special?' I dunno. More like a surprise, really; that is, I've actually managed to write 25 installments of this thing. A surprise in that I'm still with the Salvation Army vocational program and still hanging tough in the culinary course at CSN. A surprise that I've managed to keep any semblence of my sanity during one of the most stressful periods of my life. A surprise that it the light at the end of the tunnel may not signify an oncoming locomotive after all, but and actually and to this journey. And the beginning of another one. But before I get too misty eyed over my trials and tribulations, let us get caught up on a few events that have transpired since we last met.
Tensions tend to run high amongst the students in my culinary garde manger class. Despite the fact that our graduation is only a few weeks away (April 4th, with a spring break included) I sense a lot of trepidation amongst my classmates. My guess is that a lot of them are wondering -- and worried -- about their job prospects, especially those with long rap sheets. While that is not one of your humble narrator's concerns, he is nonetheless becoming antsy about procuring work in a field in which he has, like, zero experience. I'll keep you updated, of course.
The tension erupted into a all-out 'event' a few nights ago. During our ride back to SA, we were treated to the serenades of AJ, who you might recall is an extremely outspoken large black woman and parolee. Her obnoxious behavior is irritating to many of us, but we find it pointless to confront her about it. She's one of those people who feels she's justified in whatever behavior she indulges, not matter how adversely it may affect her classmates. As she warbled r&b songs throughout the drive, you could hear grumblings from those of us in the van. The alleged singing was often punctuated by outbursts of her loud, grating laughter. No one knows why she was laughing.
Upon heading into the SA offices (culinary students must place their knives in a central holding area, presumably to offset the chance of any random stabbings or renegade cooking), AJ continued to sing so loud that it was difficult to hear anyone else. This was when another classmate -- one of my roommates, in fact commented, "Too bad we can't hear anything for all the goddam singing back here!" This was the spark that lit AJs fuse. "Yeah. that's too bad," she shouted back. "That's just too f**king bad!"
Walking Pieces of Flesh
My roommate (call him RM1) is the sort who likes to needles people for the hell of it. For example, one of his greetings is, "Geez, You have it made. You don't have any problems, do you?" Or he might try to provoke a response with, "What do you know about work? You've had it easy. I'm the only one who's ever had a hard life." The hard life reference also turns up in comments like, "I'm sorry I'm such an asshole. I've had a hard life." Or to a female (usually): I've had such a hard life. You should let me rub Vicks VapoRub all over your chest." (No endorsement of said product unless Vicks elects to compensate me.)
With his dry delivery, it's not always easy to tell if RM1 is being serious or not. As you might imagine, this has landed him in varying amounts of hot water since I've known him. For the record, RM1 is a 48-year old white guy, overweight but not grossly so, and stands about 5'8. Most would agree he has an outgoing personality and is friendly enough. He tells me he's had a lifelong drinking problem and has been through countless rehab programs.. From what I can tell, he has spent the last several years in and out of various programs and has logged most of that time in SA. While he claims to be seeking a cure, he also says he finds the compulsory AA meetings so boring that he usually spends his time texting throughout.
While I do like him and find him an agreeable roommate (I've heard a few horror stories about roommates from hell; remind me to tell you about them sometime) he does have a penchant for bizarre behavior and for making puzzling comments. An example would be his habit of entering a room and spouting gibberish. Something like "Shizbot pakum, flizzbet" with a delivery in a high-pitched 'alien' voice. After which he immediately says, "What?" as if he didn't say it. Other variations are RM1 suddenly bursting out singing gibberish, then commenting, "What the hell was that?"
A Thong To Remember
I find it funny up to a point. RM does have a tendency to over do it. As with certain 'catchphrases' like "Are you sick of it?" That one got overdone to the point that I told him to come up with new material. Or referring to fellow SA clients by saying, "Why can't someone just make all these walking pieces of flesh disappear?" His longest running bit had to do with an apparent fixation on thongs. While working, he would come up to you and mutter, my thong is on too tight; he would also blurt this out while sitting in the room. Or he might announce, "Who can imagine me in a silver thong right now? Seriously, I wanna know."
Another time-honored bit is his habit of sidling up to you with an impromptu 'thong song'. This might go something like, "Hit me in my thong until your tits explode." Or, "Bust me in the face until your thong's too tight! What?"
Along with the laughs, RM 1 does have a dark side which can appear without notice. This can manifest with certain statements about injuring people he perceives as ignoring him, or think are above him in some capacity. He seems to be overly sensitive to criticism. He'll often say things like, "The next time (he) says that to me or acts that way, I'll tell him, 'look motherf***er' you think you're so bad, let's go outside and settle it. But you won't do it 'cause you're too much of a bitch.' That's what I'll tell him. He thinks he can pull that s**t with me, but I ain't the one, bro'."
Then there's his obsession with online chat rooms/websites which leads to him constantly carry his phone while texting. Even while working he has to break away and text. He often talks about how he's met one woman or another in various states like Kentucky or Indiana and how well they get along. He had a long relationship with a woman and her two kids. They never met; the relationship was conducted entirely over the phone and texting. It's amazing to me that there's a kind of subculture who meet, 'fall in love', 'get engages' and, I guess, even 'married' over the Internet. I'd often he RM arguing with a woman about how she should respond to other guys online if she's his (alleged) 'finace'.
The relation ship with the woman and children ended badly, however. While he often talked to the kids about how he wanted to meet them, marry their mom and start a new family, he neglected on detail: He was living in a SA dorm, had no job, and no money. When he finally revealed this to her, she was understandably upset and finally cut communication with him. His response? "It figures. All these goddam women are the same. They ain't serious. I really thought she was special, too. Stupid f***in' bitch." Yes, the man does have issues. But hey, I never said he was perfect.
Can't We All Just Get Along?
Just wanted to let you have some insight to RM1, as I'd been meaning to do so for some time. Anyway, AJ had just shouted, "That's too f**kin' bad!" To which RM1 shouted, "Nobody wants to hear your stupid singing. Shut the f**k up!
AJ: Come make me shut the f**k up, then!
RM1: Shut up before I bust you in the mouth!
AJ: You gonna bust me in the mouth? Do it then, bitch! I fight men! I'll kick your ass!
RM1: You wanna act like a man, I'll treat you like a man if you don't shut up!
AJ: Oh, well! Oh, well! Oh, F***IN' WELL!"
(About this time a female security guard happened by and managed to stand between AJ and RM1. RM1 actually settled down, but AJ maintained her tirade, essentially shouting in the guard's face as RM1 and the rest of us walked through the doorway to another room.)
AJ: The f**k you talkin' about, I'm too loud? Who you, anyway? I ain't motherf***in' loud! You gonna fight me, come on back here, then! I'll kick your motherf***in' ass to the curb! Yeah, that's right! You ain't nothin'! Keep on walking, bee-yatch!"
Things finally quieted down, statements were taken, and everyone dispersed. In the room afterward, RM fretted about his actions, claiming that he was only joking and didn't think AJ would take him seriously; things just got out of hand. He also claimed he and AJ made up, apologizing to one another and hugging it out. Maybe so. But RM1 was still summoned to see the caseworkers the next day. He learned that he would be on probation for the next two weeks. That means he is essentially exiled to the A/B Dorms (the one with all the bunk beds that I stayed at initially) but still must report for kitchen duty and culinary classes. He'll still retain meal and laundry privileges, but can't stay in his room in the vocational dorm.
For all its drawbacks, the vocational dorm where I stay is vastly preferable to the other set-up. The fact that SA views this as a punishment should tell you a lot. It was thought that AJ would receive a similar punishment despite her protestations that she didn't do anything wrong (both parties were guilty of course). But we'll have to wait and see with AJ. Earlier this morning she suffered a seizure of some sort and fell over. Ambulances arrived and took her to a nearby hospital with her boyfriend (a fellow client and classmate) along for the ride. As of this writing I don't know how serious her condition is.
When I mentioned the happenings to RM1 he said, "Great. They'll probably try to blame that on me, too. (sighs) Niptok duzzleflarb acto. What the hell was that?!"
So, after 25 installments of HINJFCA you might ask your humble narrator: What's the most important thing you've learned thus far? Easy. My wrists get really cramped after all this damn typing. For now, that's a wrap!
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